List of the Week: Dear Mom, Here’s Why I’m Still Single

Dear Mom,

Today, thanks to the wonders of the internet, I went on what is, by far, the worst date of my life. That’s bad news for me and worse news for your desire for more grandchildren, but wonderful news for the readers of Fantastic Manliness. Normally I would just summarize the experience with “I don’t think we’re going out again,” but in this case that won’t suffice. Because I love you and because I try to post one of these lists at least once a quarter, here are the reasons why I have no future with this woman: Continue reading

List of the Week: 10 Ways to Fix the Catholic Church

Add a countdown clock and buzzer: Sure, we all know how long Mass is supposed to be, but to have an actual number on it can really make the whole thing less of a chore to sit through.  If the Father feels like going long on the homily, it’s gonna cost him some recessional rites time.  If he doesn’t get it all in before the buzzer, well, that’s on him.

Put a crossword in the program, and if you finish it before Communion you don’t have to stay for the last song: There will always be the people who attentively listen for the entirety of Mass, sing along to every song, and quietly hope the piano keeps going for all seven verses of the recessional hymn.  Those people are dorks.  Everyone else will likely spend Mass periodically zoning out and thinking about what they plan to do afterward, or what they did the night before, or how ugly the baby in the front row is.  Those people probably aren’t really getting the message, so offer them a carrot – make a crossword puzzle where everyone who completes it has this week’s message or lesson subliminally processed through their head.  In exchange for getting it done, they can go home right after Communion.  I think that’s fair.

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List of the Week: 15 Euphemisms For “Number Two”

The idea well is running dry this week, so I’m doing what any well-adjusted adult would do and writing an article about pooping!  We all know simply announcing “I’m gonna go take a dump” is a little crude for polite company, so here are fifteen was to get your point across without smelling up the joint, linguistically-speaking.  Without question, this is a new low for Fantastic Manliness.

“Briefing The Admiral” Navy people love this one because briefing a superior officer often feels like pooing upward.  Army people love it because they hate the Navy.  Air Force people replace “Admiral” with “General” and say they invented it.  Marines just say “I’ve gotta take a shit” because why mince words?

“Losing Some Weight” This one’s technically true.  After all, poop has weight just like any other mass in your body.  I’d like to be able to track each…uh…”incident’s” weight over time, but unfortunately the powers that be in Washington won’t let us have toilets equipped with scales.  They’re afraid it would encourage competition.  I don’t think that’s something to be afraid of.

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List of the Week: 5 Head Coach Dilemmas – Call the Athletic Director or the Cops?

This week the world of college football was rocked by the revelation that beloved Penn State Defensive Coordinator Jerry Sandusky was a serial child rapist.  I, personally, was amazed that a team in the Big Ten could actually find a new way to suck – even moreso when it turned out to be a team other than Ohio State.  Sandusky was caught in red-penised red-handed by a Graduate Assistant in 2002 who went on to join Head Coach Joe Paterno’s coaching staff.  The Assistant reported the incident to Paterno, who then informed the school’s Athletic Director that Sandusky is a…uh…let’s say “4chan user” when it comes to sex.  Paterno then went about his business quasi-coaching a football team that needed a new head coach 20 years ago, never to think of it again.

Alright, well in retrospect I guess this looks pretty bad

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List of the Week: 15 Ways to Piss Off a British Person

This week, here are fifteen ways to anger, annoy, perturb, and otherwise incite aggression from someone from Merry Olde England – a country, as we all know, whose ass we kicked in the Revolutionary War, which George Washington fought single-handedly:

1.) Show difficulty telling the difference between an Australian accent and a British accent.  Respond to any queries with a mocking “G’day mate!  Put another shrimp on the barby!”

2.) Say “you’re welcome” any time World War II comes up.

3.) Ask them if they’ve ever had spotted dick while stifling laughter.  If they’ve heard that one, go for faggots.

4.) Turn on The Yakety Sax any time they enter the room.

5.) Express any sort of positive feeling regarding the Irish. Continue reading