Getting V-Blasted!

There are two 7-11 stores within walking distance of my office.  The closer one is the good 7-11.  They are a perennial Hot Food Award winner (it’s a thing) and, unlike many, the staff is always pretty cheerful and efficient.  If I haven’t brought lunch to work I’ll usually go in there and get a wrap, an apple if they’re fresh, and some sort of zero-cal flavored water.  I know it’s not good for me, but the only thing you can drink that isn’t bad for you in some way is water and even that can be used wrong.  Let me drink something that tastes vaguely like dragonfruit and green tea with my lunch, I’m not hurting anyone.

The other day my friend and I had to go to The Other 7-11.  The Other 7-11 is right next to a bus depot, has a homeless guy in front of it more often than not, has never to my knowledge won the Hot Food Award, and has a staff that (understandably) doesn’t really care about people skills.  I don’t care for The Other 7-11, but I was hungry and there we were.  When I went to pick out my drink I noticed an odd-looking bottle in the vitamin water fridge.  It was called V-Blast and had a cap that looked like one on a “sport” bottle that squirts out the top.  I like things that squirt and I have a hard time passing up a drink whose name is a double entendre, so I bought it.  I’m serious about that double entendre thing – if there was a hot chocolate brand called Cleveland Steamer I’d drink a box of it every day during the cold season.

I paid for it and retreated back to my desk with the rest of my preservative-laden poisons and was in for a surprise.  This V-Blast – or, more accurately, “V-Blast!” – has no mere sport top.  No, it’s far more dynamic.  Have a look at the video below to see what made me yell “what the shit!” at my desk:

The guy laughing is my roommate.  He’s laughing because when you know it’s coming it’s funny.  When you don’t know it’s coming it’s downright off-putting.  The video doesn’t convey it well, but that stuff doesn’t just drop into the drink, it squirts.  There’s pressure behind it.  Before you know it that whole thing looks like children’s cough syrup.  When that’s over you take the cap off like any other twist-off bottle, so the excitement’s over by the time you’re actually ingesting the stuff.  But what a show!  It’s not often a drink assembles itself right before your eyes.  It reminds me of the bombs in Die Hard With a Vengeance, which were made of two liquids that would mix before blowing a giant hole in the government’s gold stockpile.

Why go to this trouble?  Well, they have an answer for that: potency.  The same reason your granddad has to pop a blue pill every time he’s ready for a v-blast.  Gotta keep those vitamins potent.  I’d also like to point out that the bottle contains 2.1 servings.  Buy ten and you’ll have a whole number of servings.

Now vitamin water this potent – water that goes to such extremes to blast you in the face with its citrus flavor – must really pack the vitamin C, right?  Just look at that fiery orange color.  Wrong.  There is not a spec of vitamin C in this self-ejaculating wonder drink.  There’s B1, B2, B3, B5, B6, B9, and everyone’s favorite B12, 25% of your daily value of each, but no C.  It’s orange.  There should be some god damn vitamin C in that bottle.  After the fireworks I expected something better than a bunch of B vitamins and “natural flavors” that tasted like feet.  I’ll probably still buy it again because I’m a shallow idiot.

So that’s V-Blast!  A water product that skeets potent vitamins into itself before your very eyes – look for it at a second-choice convenience store near you.  By the way, it tastes like ass.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *