I Got Nothing. Seriously.

My laptop is six years old.  Its speakers don’t work, its battery holds a charge for about two hours if you turn the brightness all the way down, and it’s as fast as about half of the netbooks out there but twice the weight.  I still like it, though – it’s a Dell 700M with a 12-inch screen, which in 2005 was unthinkably small for a primary laptop.  People would come up to me in college and ask me what it was.  That would inevitably be followed by “can you deal with using something that small?”  Fast forward the better part of a decade and like half of the PC laptops people buy are even smaller.  The thing is positively voluptuous now.

Computers age very quickly, but they don’t actually age.  Aging suggests some sort of deterioration in appearance in functionality.  People age and part of that is getting wrinkly skin and not being as good at complex motor functions.  Computers don’t do this, they run the same speed for their entire life.  Cosmetically they can stay unchanged for their entire useful life with some occasional cleaning and proper handling.  They never get any worse than they are when you first unpack them.  They’re never any less computerry.  The only thing that changes is the way we look at them.

What I’m getting at here is I’m not getting at anything here.  I’ve been doing this for a few weeks now and for whatever reason tonight I am completely out of ideas.  That means I should just sit tonight out, right?  Wrong.  Every entry gets me an average of 30 page views.  That’s not very good.  However, more recent entries get closer to 60 and entries that are posted within 24 hours of their predecessor pull in about 20% more traffic.  In other words, posting more frequently results in more traffic.  It’s probably not cool to admit that your current number one priority for your personal vanity blog is to build an audience, but there it is.  I did a Dear Dear Prudence, I wrote a thousand words about a dumbass vitamin water, and I want to keep the updates flowing but tonight I’ve got nothing.

Seriously.  Nothing.  I’m at my girlfriend’s house typing this in front of the TV and frankly the season premiere of Parks and Recreation is more interesting than this.  Except maybe it’s not because I’m still writing.  Hell, I have more than enough written to call it an entry and go to bed happy.  Maybe I’m waiting for inspiration to strike so I can delete all of this.

Waiting…waiting…waiting…nada.

This is ridiculous!  I tell people I don’t like Twitter because it limits you to 140 characters, yet here I am with nothing to say.  How am I going to be able to quit my job to write full time if I can’t even come up with something compelling and at least 500 words long to throw on my crappy blog?  The real loser here, of course, is you.  After all those meritless paragraphs you’re still reading.  Way to waste several minutes of perfectly good time.  Did you come here from Facebook?  If I spammed this post on Facebook hit the back button and call me a jackass.  Anyway, way to waste your time.

I hope the tail-less dolphin dies at the end of that movie that’s coming out soon.

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