This week the world of college football was rocked by the revelation that beloved Penn State Defensive Coordinator Jerry Sandusky was a serial child rapist. I, personally, was amazed that a team in the Big Ten could actually find a new way to suck – even moreso when it turned out to be a team other than Ohio State. Sandusky was caught in
red-penised red-handed by a Graduate Assistant in 2002 who went on to join Head Coach Joe Paterno’s coaching staff. The Assistant reported the incident to Paterno, who then informed the school’s Athletic Director that Sandusky is a…uh…let’s say “4chan user” when it comes to sex. Paterno then went about his business quasi-coaching a football team that needed a new head coach 20 years ago, never to think of it again.
Well after a three-year law enforcement investigation the cat’s out of the bag, and Sandusky’s facing 40 counts of Doing Wrong Shit With Kids. Additionally, Paterno’s out after this year for thinking the Athletic Director is the guy you’re supposed to call when you catch someone going Third and Long with a child. So, this week, to help out old JoePa, here are five typical coaching situations and whether you should call the cops or the Athletic Director.
1.) Your quarterback wore Reebok when he was supposed to wear Nike. Endorsement deals are a major source of income for schools with big football programs. Obviously that income doesn’t mean players get paid, but they still need to abide by them so the school can pay for a new practice facility…or…something. You don’t need to call the cops if there’s an issue, though. ANSWER: Call the Athletic Director. He’ll smooth it over with the nice men in suits who make their money off of child labor in Asia. They’re surprisingly reasonable when luxury box tickets get thrown their way.
2.) The field hockey team is monopolizing the weight room. You got drunk and made a pass at their coach once back when she was an assistant, and she wasn’t into it. Obviously it wasn’t you, so she must be a lesbian or something. She’s a lesbian, right? Right. Ever since then, she takes every chance she sees to put the screws to you. Now it’s time for her team’s newly-annual two-week lifting marathon. Her players hate it, obviously, but there she is making them do it, just to spite you. God, she’s beautiful. Not like your wife, the shriveled up old cow. Your kids are all assholes just like her, too. You take a moment to imagine what could have been. You know what? You’ll show her. ANSWER: Call the Athletic Director and put a stop to this. You know who you won’t call? The cops. Because women with self-respect aren’t violating the law (anymore).
3.) Somebody said something racist. One of your assistants did an interview and he used a phrase which probably sounded fine to him, his family, and the other members of his very “specific” Baptist church, but is actually a racial slur. To make matters worse, it was a radio interview so there’s audio. Fucking Deadspin is gonna write about this for days. First things first, sit the linebacker in question down in your office and explain to him that the Defensive Coordinator doesn’t really think he’s a “mud baby,” he was just commenting on how well he plays in wet weather. What next? ANSWER: Call the Athletic Director. It’s a media problem and he’s going to need to know about it. People want the other people they know to think they’re not racist, and they’ll manufacture a few gallons of outrage to make that clear.
4.) Aw crap, a recruiting violation! This kid from a high school up in DC can run fast, but it’s not just that – that ever-elusive “quickness” is all over him. He somehow manages this while being 6 foot 4! The NCAA allows up to 5 expenses-paid official visits, but they can’t last more than 48 hours. Unfortunately he overslept and has been on campus for a total of 52 hours. If you don’t handle this right that hard-earned Pizza Bagels Bowl victory last year will be vacated in the flash. They’ll even send a guy to take back the gold-dipped Pizza Bagel trophy. Well you’ll be damned if you’re going to let those crooks at the NCAA take away the only bowl victory you’ve pulled off in the last eight years. ANSWER: Call the Athletic Director and figure out how to sweep this under the rug. Tell the cops if you want, but it doesn’t matter – they don’t care because it’s not a crime. Now if the potential recruit was a sicko and ruined all of some middle-schooler’s future relationships on the trip, you should call the cops, but that didn’t happen, so keep it to the A.D.
5.) Your defensive coordinator is a pederast. One of your graduate assistants left a sock or something in the locker room – he goes back in to get it and there’s your longtime Defensive Coordinator making an altar boy out of one of the kids from his charity. Yea, he fucks kids. And has a kids’ charity. You know what that means, right? It’s not just this kid. Nobody rapes one kid, especially when they have a position of power. I can’t believe I have to do this, but ANSWER: Call the cops. If the line is busy call them again. Don’t just hand this off, there’s a slim chance that there actually is a God who is watching us and if that’s true and you pretend this never happens you are gonna pay.
Hope this helps, Joe. Happy Retirement.