List of the Week: 15 Euphemisms For “Number Two”

The idea well is running dry this week, so I’m doing what any well-adjusted adult would do and writing an article about pooping!  We all know simply announcing “I’m gonna go take a dump” is a little crude for polite company, so here are fifteen was to get your point across without smelling up the joint, linguistically-speaking.  Without question, this is a new low for Fantastic Manliness.

“Briefing The Admiral” Navy people love this one because briefing a superior officer often feels like pooing upward.  Army people love it because they hate the Navy.  Air Force people replace “Admiral” with “General” and say they invented it.  Marines just say “I’ve gotta take a shit” because why mince words?

“Losing Some Weight” This one’s technically true.  After all, poop has weight just like any other mass in your body.  I’d like to be able to track each…uh…”incident’s” weight over time, but unfortunately the powers that be in Washington won’t let us have toilets equipped with scales.  They’re afraid it would encourage competition.  I don’t think that’s something to be afraid of.

“Ruining Another Mattress” Here we conjure memories of all those times when you dreamed about a mudslide or avalanche or meal at Taco Bell and woke up to a fecally-contaminated bed.  That’s normal, right?  Guys?

“Teaching Helen Keller to Read” Let’s just say the history books omitted some things and leave it at that.  The R-rated cut of The Miracle Worker really stays with you.

“Making Sausage” Nobody wants to see how it’s done.  Sound familiar?

“Morphin’ Time” This one will make all the 20-30 year olds in the room laugh, and if you’re one of those people who has to exclaim something when it’s halfway out, well, here’s something for you.

“Using My iPad” Look, Apple can make as many ads about playing piano and watching TED talks as they want, but we all know what that thing is really for.  Using your smartphone to browse the web on the toilet is so 2009.  A tablet can give you the full desktop web experience in a portable, easily-wiped-off form factor that you can’t help but love.  On a related note, always wash your hands after using someone else’s iPad.  Are you willing to bet a case of e.coli that they’ve never done it?

“Writing an Episode of Whitney That’s how they do it, right?  It has to be, just try watching one.

“Giving Communion” God sure made us in his image, didn’t he?  Like all manifestations of shame in the name of religion, this one works best if you’re Catholic.

“Re-Enacting I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant For some reason they never find out when they’re hiking or in the middle of a roller derby competition.  Bonus points if, a few minutes after using this and closing the door, someone in the living room asks, “Honey, you okay?”

“Liquidating Assets” Hey, it’s topical!  This one works especially well because what you’re producing is going to end up underwater, just like your mortgage.

“Tebowing” It’s time to Santorum Tim Tebow.  News flash, idiot, God doesn’t care that you scored a touchdown for the fucking Broncos.  I hope you end up punchier than Elway.

“Voting for Ron Paul” This one works because, like pooing, publicly supporting Ron Paul is within the capabilities of any moron, from the eighth grader who thinks Ayn Rand is a genius to the investment banker who thinks capital gains have been “earned.”  Also, I’m told Ron Paul smells a bit ripe sometimes.  Old people, man…

“Launching the Brown October” If you use this one, be sure and do so while impersonating a Scottish person impersonating a Russian.  If you’re feeling saucy, really blow everyone’s mind by pointing to your intestines and remarking, “most things in here don’t react well to bullets.”

“Harvesting Corn” I really wish I could have been a fly on the wall at Jamestown 10-20 hours after the colonists were introduced to corn.  “My word, how does it stay so intact?!”

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