I know we’re all having a great time here talking about how Dr. Crusher from Star Trek: The Next Generation is a whore, checking out awesome Japanese playground slides, and wondering what exactly is wrong with Joe Paterno…but it’s important to remember, reading this monument to me, that I’m not even the most awesome Scott Ahearn there is. Say hello to ScottAhearn.net, also known as Google Image Search Scott Ahearn. He’s a quality guy and I’ve always appreciated how much cooler he is than TeamAhearn.com Scott Ahearn.
If I didn’t have a beard I’d look exactly like him. I’m gonna start working “how do you like my wife’s vagina?” into my day-to-day repertoire.
Watching movies is insanely easy nowadays. Re-watching movies, same case. If you name a movie, unless it’s something super-weird and rare I can probably download a copy of it that would rival a flawless 16mm print put through a projector with a brand new bulb on full power with all the dust removed from the air in the room. It’ll take an hour to download at the most. Maybe it’s on Netflix in HD, maybe it’s on Amazon Prime, maybe it’s a BluRay or DVD that I dumped onto my hard drive, or worst-case scenario I had to tell the magical box in the living room to record it as it plays on channel 1205 without me ever having to turn on my TV. If you like a movie you can watch the hell out of it.
I had a great time seeing Inception a year and a half ago. Remember Inception? Leonardo DiCaprio invades people’s dreams, that somehow means a shitload of guns onscreen, Michael Caine is there for some reason, PG-13 mindfuckery…big deal movie. Summer tentpole. Everyone loved it when it came out, then as Christmas came around people started pointing out plot holes, vocalizing things they found wrong about it, and questioning the reason for there being so god damn many guns in a movie about dreams within dreams. It lost its luster for a ton of people.
At the last minute they photoshopped the gun out of Ellen Page's hand
Summer’s over, but in case you missed it:
Remember that time Eddie Murphy stormed out of the Oscars like a PMSing Katherine Heigl after losing Best Supporting Actor to Daniel Day-Lewis? That was pretty much like crying yourself to sleep because ‘roids-era Mark McGwire got a hit off one of your pitches. He was nominated for Dreamgirls – when was the last time anyone watched Dreamgirls? Until today I forgot that was even a movie. He lost to Daniel Day-Lewis for his part in Gangs of New York, the best character in a legitimately good movie, and was so offended that he piled his entourage – Judge Reinhold and Hector Elizondo – into his panel van to go drink Scotch and watch the rough cut of Norbit. Classy move.
Well, The Academy was so impressed with him that they have given Brett Ratner what he wants, which couldn’t possibly be a bad decision. It’ll be nearly unwatchable, as the Oscars often are, and it got me thinking about the man himself. Eddie Murphy, despite being an incredibly gifted comedian in the 80s, probably has the least-developed sense of irony in Hollywood. Don’t believe me? Look what he did the second he had any clout:
The man is a black hole of irony. It gets sucked into him and consumed. He’s perfect for the tap-dancing, drink-when-Jack-Nicholson-wears-sunglasses-indoors Oscars! Can’t wait.