Yesterday I explored some practical steps the Catholic Church could take that would make going to Mass less of a chore. According to the Associated Press, I’m not the only one thinking outside the box here. Apparently a suburban Cincinnati parish has established a drive-thru for Ash Wednesday, otherwise known as National Find Out Which of Your Coworkers Are Catholic And Mean It Day. Traditionally, parishoners attend a Mass during which a cross is drawn on their forehead with the ashes of combusted palms which are also somehow significant. I don’t really have the whole picture, my family were some serious cafeteria Catholics. This church is willing to save you the trouble of getting out of your car to get your forehead marked. From the article:
An Ohio church is offering a drive-thru Ash Wednesday blessing for parishioners pressed for time or reluctant to come inside the church for the Lenten observance.
The Rev. Patricia Anderson Cook of Mt. Healthy United Methodist Church in suburban Cincinnati offered the ashes Wednesday evening for people of all faiths beginning around 5 p.m. in the church parking lot. Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of the Christian season of Lent, which concludes after 40 days with the celebration of Easter, and the faithful traditionally have a smudged cross drawn on their forehead.
Bridget Spitler, the church’s secretary and building manager, said the church had received a lot of positive feedback for offering the drive-thru ashes.
It’s a good start. The Church really should do everything it can to make worship as convenient as buying a bag full of McChicken sandwiches.
Louis CK does a little investigating for those of you unfamiliar with the Catholic Church. The results may surprise you, or may not.
Add a countdown clock and buzzer: Sure, we all know how long Mass is supposed to be, but to have an actual number on it can really make the whole thing less of a chore to sit through. If the Father feels like going long on the homily, it’s gonna cost him some recessional rites time. If he doesn’t get it all in before the buzzer, well, that’s on him.
Put a crossword in the program, and if you finish it before Communion you don’t have to stay for the last song: There will always be the people who attentively listen for the entirety of Mass, sing along to every song, and quietly hope the piano keeps going for all seven verses of the recessional hymn. Those people are dorks. Everyone else will likely spend Mass periodically zoning out and thinking about what they plan to do afterward, or what they did the night before, or how ugly the baby in the front row is. Those people probably aren’t really getting the message, so offer them a carrot – make a crossword puzzle where everyone who completes it has this week’s message or lesson subliminally processed through their head. In exchange for getting it done, they can go home right after Communion. I think that’s fair.
The idea well is running dry this week, so I’m doing what any well-adjusted adult would do and writing an article about pooping! We all know simply announcing “I’m gonna go take a dump” is a little crude for polite company, so here are fifteen was to get your point across without smelling up the joint, linguistically-speaking. Without question, this is a new low for Fantastic Manliness.
“Briefing The Admiral” Navy people love this one because briefing a superior officer often feels like pooing upward. Army people love it because they hate the Navy. Air Force people replace “Admiral” with “General” and say they invented it. Marines just say “I’ve gotta take a shit” because why mince words?
“Losing Some Weight” This one’s technically true. After all, poop has weight just like any other mass in your body. I’d like to be able to track each…uh…”incident’s” weight over time, but unfortunately the powers that be in Washington won’t let us have toilets equipped with scales. They’re afraid it would encourage competition. I don’t think that’s something to be afraid of.
This week, here are fifteen ways to anger, annoy, perturb, and otherwise incite aggression from someone from Merry Olde England – a country, as we all know, whose ass we kicked in the Revolutionary War, which George Washington fought single-handedly:
1.) Show difficulty telling the difference between an Australian accent and a British accent. Respond to any queries with a mocking “G’day mate! Put another shrimp on the barby!”
2.) Say “you’re welcome” any time World War II comes up.
3.) Ask them if they’ve ever had spotted dick while stifling laughter. If they’ve heard that one, go for faggots.
4.) Turn on The Yakety Sax any time they enter the room.
5.) Express any sort of positive feeling regarding the Irish. Continue reading