List of the Week: 15 Euphemisms For “Number Two”

The idea well is running dry this week, so I’m doing what any well-adjusted adult would do and writing an article about pooping!  We all know simply announcing “I’m gonna go take a dump” is a little crude for polite company, so here are fifteen was to get your point across without smelling up the joint, linguistically-speaking.  Without question, this is a new low for Fantastic Manliness.

“Briefing The Admiral” Navy people love this one because briefing a superior officer often feels like pooing upward.  Army people love it because they hate the Navy.  Air Force people replace “Admiral” with “General” and say they invented it.  Marines just say “I’ve gotta take a shit” because why mince words?

“Losing Some Weight” This one’s technically true.  After all, poop has weight just like any other mass in your body.  I’d like to be able to track each…uh…”incident’s” weight over time, but unfortunately the powers that be in Washington won’t let us have toilets equipped with scales.  They’re afraid it would encourage competition.  I don’t think that’s something to be afraid of.

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A Moment of Humility

I know we’re all having a great time here talking about how Dr. Crusher from Star Trek: The Next Generation is a whore, checking out awesome Japanese playground slides, and wondering what exactly is wrong with Joe Paterno…but it’s important to remember, reading this monument to me, that I’m not even the most awesome Scott Ahearn there is.  Say hello to ScottAhearn.net, also known as Google Image Search Scott Ahearn.  He’s a quality guy and I’ve always appreciated how much cooler he is than TeamAhearn.com Scott Ahearn.

If I didn’t have a beard I’d look exactly like him.  I’m gonna start working “how do you like my wife’s vagina?” into my day-to-day repertoire.

(From: ScottAhearn.net)